College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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