dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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