just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize