seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
