I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
