Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
