Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
