She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
