Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
