Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
