I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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