ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
