Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
