i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
