I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
