you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
