She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize