I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
