we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
