The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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