he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
