apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
birth control should be required to get into college
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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