My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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