I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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