Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
