mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
