do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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