i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
