I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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