toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
