and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
honey bunches of taint.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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