I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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