i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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