these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
