you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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