Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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