I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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