my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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