dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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