I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize