and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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