Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
