im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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