Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
