I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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