Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
