so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
