I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Randomize
