if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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