she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
