It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
