I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
