Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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