Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
