I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Dear god my vagina.
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