New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
