i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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