I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
