I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Randomize
